Move on is the most widely given advice, which is in fact easily said than done. It makes me wonder whether those people or the so called well wishers, really mean it when they say move on. Or is it because they don’t know any thing else to say and end up saying “move on” as to console or empathize with those sad and bitter feelings. It can be also a way of winding up the conversation, without getting into the depth of the matter further. I really doubt so.
It’s been 8 months – 8 months, 15 days and 6 hours, since Rajiv had chose to leave me, making me feel devastated, rejected and betrayed. My life had chose to follow the boring pattern of home – job – home and I was successful in putting up a good show before every one. Everyone happily bought me with my mask on, not even bothering to take a second look at my frayed, battered mask. Deep inside, I alone knew that I had lost the most valuable thing of my life, leaving behind that poor little thing to get hardened into a cold, heavy block of granite, turning me numb in that process to feel any pain. As I stand there, right in the middle of that black tarmac road called reality, I’m the only one who is in a standstill stance while everything around me moved at the speed of light.
Nothing could fill the void inside my heart and no happy event could change my depressive senti mood. No party, no wedding, no haircut, no spa appointment, nothing! I was still hell bent on finding Rajiv and thus tried hard to contact him on his mobile number. But the switched off mobile phone status soon changed to ‘not reachable’ and finally to the ‘number doesn’t exist’. This unfollowing spree continued to the social networking sites, with him blocking me in Facebook and sudden deactivation of his twitter handle. Within 8 months he turned to be that bright twinkling star, I adored very much but stood beyond my reach. His memories lit up my otherwise dark life, it kept me ticking, hoping that one day, one day for sure we will cross our paths again.
His absence made me feel like a fish out of water, for I had lost my love and best friend. I visited those places we used to hang out earlier in a desperate attempt to relive those past moments we had cherished together. On Sundays I went to our favourite restaurant and by occupying the table that overlooked the river side, I stared hard into the vacant opposite chair in a futile attempt to conjure him out of the thin air. I even became the greatest fan of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, ending up waiting in front of the green room, every weekend with a hope that I could find my Romeo there. I waited for him to emerge out of the green room clad in black shirt and khaki trousers with a sheepish smile, even though my experience contradicted my hopes. I went to all those places we used to hangout as a ritual in a false hope to find him there. I was fully convinced that the idea itself sounded absurd, but the miniscule hope that ‘I might see him there’ stimulated me. And I went to those places seeking him hard as if he has camouflaged with the surrounding. I who once had been a practical and intelligent lady is now finding solace in stupid things spirited with my never ending yearning for him.
Months passed away like an F1 racing car, making way for new incidents, happenings and events. But time couldn’t steal away the sweet fragrance of his memories or rather I hadn’t let it to be so. When I was successful in shielding the invasion of time, I was having a tough time with my family. I couldn’t rein in my mother’s wish to see her only child getting married and I was bombarded with proposals of suitable alliances. I soon found myself sipping tea with strangers under parental supervision. All my mother wanted is to see me settled with a good natured decent guy. She even let me select the groom of my choice provided he had a decent enough job to support himself. I too had no objection against it, in fact I also wanted to get married. But the man whom I love and want to get married to, is missing and I don’t know where the hell he is. And I’m left with my mom’s ultimatum hanging over my head like Damocles’ sword.
Again came another December 21, the day I fell in love with him and I couldn’t stop tears tumbling from my eyes. I was so mad, so mad at him since he was not there to realize that I casted those pearls of love only for him. He became that mirage which I kept on searching and longing for ages. I really wanted to tell him how deep and sincerely I love him and that I can’t survive without him. I desperately wanted to confess that I always thought about him with every single heartbeat and breath I took. Tears rolled down my cheeks, reflecting my terrible state. Mom’s ultimatum and his absence were driving me mad. Thus my mind circled down to the options I had formulated in my head after many sleepless nights – first one, is to keep on waiting for Rajiv, whose return I’m not sure of. Second one is to marry the one mother picks up for me and make her happy. Third is to search the whole world and find out Rajiv and then ask him whether he loves me just like I love him.
If you think options will make the part of ‘decision making’ easy, and then let me tell you, the things will end up more complicated in your endeavour to lessen it. You may ask why, I will tell you how. Here I got three options, and I have to choose one of them, knowing that the decision would change the course of my life in such a way that I couldn’t switch back to another option or repair the damages made. I could wait for Rajiv, for a lifetime, by withering away like a flower. Or I could marry another one taking chance with my life and thus making up or messing up my life. The third option sounded crazy and I had no idea how it would turn up to be. Again and again I ended up lost, and confused as I was earlier.
I lost the tough battle which I had been fighting for the last one year. In desperation, I closed my eyes and the only thing which came to my mind was Rajiv. A smile crept up my lips and I knew I made the decision, the decision which is supported by the mere truth that I could be happy only with him.
To be continued..